CHARACTERS - CARL: A short, stocky guy in his early 30’s with a scar near his eye. He is outwardly scrappy and has a thick Brooklyn accent. TONY: A tall, lanky guy in his late 20’s. He is more timid than CARL and also has a Brooklyn accent. SATAN: A seemingly average guy with glasses RANDOM GUY: A random guy RANDOM GUY 2 (abbreviated “RG2”): A second random guy GOD: A tall, handsome guy SETTING - Hell. Stationary flames stand USR and USL, while a continuous video image of flames is shown on a centered backdrop screen. There are large rock formations decorating the floor, one specifically USL.
Act I: Lights come on, revealing the agitated CARL and TONY, who are standing center stage. CARL (Pacing around, making fidgety hand movements) So where is this joker, eh? He scared? Well, I’ll tell ya, he should be. Thinkin’ he’s all… low and mighty, just ‘cause he’s Satan and shit. TONY ...Maybe he’s busy. CARL (Sarcastically) Oh, that’s right! The poor guy’s got a busy torturing schedule to attend to. You think we should find the waiting room, where we can sit and read Cosmo. Then Satan’s assistant will bring us some coffee- TONY I could go for some coffee. CARL Shh! (Stops pacing and looks around neurotically) Don’t wanna miss ‘im. Ya know, if he’s tryna sneak up on us. TONY (Pause) Someone’s a bit paranoid. CARL Tony. We were shanked to death from behind by a couple of hit men. Don’t you think I have a right? RANDOM GUY enters SL wearing headphones. He starts loudly singing along to “Raspberry Beret” by Prince as he gets closer to CARL, who hears him, whips around, and immediately stabs him with a small knife. RANDOM GUY Looks up at TONY and CARL in confused horror from where he now lies on the ground, clutching his stomach. He eventually scurries away, attempting to sing “Raspberry Beret” through the pain. TONY (Shaking his head) I can’t believe you have a knife in hell. CARL Well it’s not fuckin’ heaven. We got these in our housewarming gift bags, remember Tony? (Wipes bloody knife on pants before putting it back in his pocket) A spotlight shines on a sulking SATAN entering SL. He does not see the others. He is wearing a white t-shirt that says “I AM SATAN” in big, red letters and is holding a very small, pink pitchfork. He sits down in front of the rock and sighs as soft, sad music begins to play. CARL and TONY look on. SATAN (To audience) I know what you’re thinking. Why is Satan so lanky? Why is Satan so four-eyed? Why is Satan so lame? (Shrugs then pauses for a while, nervously tapping the pitch fork on his leg) UGH, I am so lame! RG2 (From audience) I LOVE YOU, SATAN! (Waving frantically) SATAN (Yells out to RG2) O-okay… Thanks, (under his breath) kiss-ass. (A beat) Maybe I’m so lame ‘cause I never played sports in high school, not even baby-pin bowling, which is… well you all bowl, right? Any bowlers in the house? (Fakes enthusiasm) Woo! But yeah, it’s like that… but the pins are actual babies. And then there’s knife-throwing, which I actually tried out for. Yeah, I cut my toe off (Nods casually). But make no mistake, I’m not bitter about it. Even though the ONE time someone asked to dance with me at homecoming, I lost my balance and fell into the big bowl of poison punch. But really, I don’t really need your pity, ‘cause I do have other things going for me. (Gestures to flames on video screen) Like this beautiful home I have. (Sighs, looking down while fidgeting with pitch fork) The spotlight on SATAN shuts off. TONY (To CARL) Who is Satan talking to? CARL I don’t know what the fuck is going on here, Tony. TONY He seems upset. Do you have any cookies left from your housewarming gift bag? Maybe we can offer ‘em up. CARL Ah, that’s a real swell idea, Tony! TONY (Smiles) CARL And maybe we’ll invite him over for our wine and cheese gathering and take him to the ballet! TONY (Pause) You know, your sarcasm hurts sometimes. CARL Good (Starts pacing even harder this time before gesturing at SATAN). This is Satan, for Christ’s sake? TONY I wouldn’t bring Jesus into this. (A beat while CARL gives him a look) Let’s just see what he’s like, okay? CARL Well ain’t that just the dumbest fucking idea I’ve ever- TONY HEY SATAN! CARL (Facepalms) SATAN looks over at them. SATAN (Weakly) Oh... hey. CARL and TONY exchange looks before walking over to SATAN. TONY Thanks for uh… having us. SATAN (Gives a small smile) Do you like it? TONY Yeah, it’s nice. These flames are really breathtaking, and not just ‘cause I have asthma. And it has this sweet aroma that I can’t quite put my finger on. Cinnamon, maybe? Or vanilla. SATAN Thanks. This place has been burning for centuries; it’s kind of a family business. CARL Wait, so there’s not just one eternal Satan? SATAN Nope. It was my great great great great great great (Pauses to sneeze) TONY Bless- uh… damn you. SATAN Thank you. Great great great great grandfather’s. He left his crepes on the stove too long. This place has been burning ever since. TONY CREPES! That’s the smell! CARL Original Satan made crepes? SATAN He was a very sensitive soul. CARL (Dryly) Ah. TONY But how does a fire last that long anyway? SATAN Well, (proudly) it is my duty every day to walk around all of Hell with my handy dandy gasoline spritzer, which is kind of tiring when you’re missing a toe (Frowns, looking out to the audience). CARL Don’t you have servants to do that shit? SATAN I did. But they stopped listening to me. Some of them left to go to the other underworld. (Mutters) That darn Hades. Others get taken to heaven with God- TONY Wait, what?! SATAN For the dumbest stuff too! One time he just popped on down, because this teenage girl posted a popular social justice rant on Facebook! TONY ...And she’s in heaven. SATAN She runs God’s Twitter. CARL Well, I don’t have the wifi password here, so … looks like this is home. (Gestures to flames on video screen background) Home sweet home! SATAN Well, it’s not so sweet for me. Nobody takes me seriously around here. TONY With all due respect, Satan, I think you could be a bit more… satanic. I dunno, don’t you have magic powers or mystical creatures you can use to torture people into obeying you? SATAN Sure, I’ve got all sorts of powers. I can stun people, throw fire, make earthquakes, you name it. And as for mystical creatures… (Yells to off stage) HOW YA DOIN’, FLUFFY? Indiscernible loud growling noise is heard off stage. CARL and TONY jump. SATAN smiles fondly. CARL That uh… that your dog? SATAN No, that’s my tarantula. CARL (A beat) Of course. TONY Well, seems like he can do some damage, no? And how ‘bout those powers? CARL I say you stun the next son-of-a-bitch who walks by, yeah? Show ‘im who’s boss around here. SATAN (Looks down at his hand nervously) Uhm, okay… I guess I can do that. TONY (Looks toward SL) Here comes someone now! RANDOM GUY enters SL, now singing “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen. SATAN gestures powerfully with his hand, stunning RANDOM GUY, who falls rigidly against the floor. TONY and SATAN look mildly shocked. CARL eventually bursts out into laughter. Nervously, TONY and SATAN join so that they are all laughing as RANDOM GUY twitches on the floor. CARL See? Doesn’t that feel amazing? RANDOM GUY I’m guessing that question wasn’t directed toward me. TONY Look at ‘im twitch! SATAN (Breathing heavily while grinning) You know what? That’s the most alive I’ve felt in decades! … And I’ve always hated Queen. (Leans over RANDOM GUY) Ya hear that, buddy?! Queen sucks! RANDOM GUY (Breathing heavily) Take it back. SATAN (Zaps RANDOM GUY once more) I’m not taking anything back, except for my power! ...Because I’m motherfucking Satan! (Breaks out in manic laughter as thunder erupts and lights flicker to show lightning. The chorus of ACDC’S “Highway to Hell” blares) And it’s about time everyone here remembers that! SATAN runs off SL. The thunder and SATAN’S laughter grow quiet as a spotlight shines on just TONY and CARL. The ACDC fades into soft music. Meanwhile, RANDOM GUY drags his limp body off SR. TONY (To CARL) He seems happy. CARL (Watching the off-stage SATAN fondly) Guess we got Satan his mojo back. TONY We did a good thing, Carl (Pats CARL on the back). CARL I dunno how we didn’t end up in heaven? Music stops, spotlight shuts off. SATAN returns breathing heavily, running from SR. SATAN (Runs up to CARL and TONY) What are you fellas just standing there for? You should get in on this action! TONY You want us to help torture people? W-with what? And who? SATAN Anyone! And hold on, wait here. SATAN exits SR. CARL Did we just become Satan’s sidekicks? TONY I dunno how I feel about this, Carl? CARL You kidding? We’re getting rewarded for violence. TONY Did he say he was gonna reward us? A loud, ugly groan of someone who had just been injured by SATAN is heard off-stage. CARL Well, wouldn’t it be rewarding to not be that guy? TONY True enough. As long as Satan doesn’t end up like our last boss. CARL Oh please, Vinny was more of a monster than Satan will ever be. You really think the Four-Eyed Fury over there would’ve assigned you to that sociopathic Park Slope creep who murdered his dog and wife and- TONY PLEASE don’t talk about the dead puppy. CARL (Muttering) He shoulda just sent me, I could’ve handled a fucking dog killer. TONY Hey, I handled that just fine. CARL You rang his doorbell, called me, said (high-pitched whine) “The puppies, Carl!” then went home and watched “Marley and Me”... twice. TONY Like I said, I handled it just fine. SATAN re-enters with a dusty chest of various obscure weaponry. SATAN (Sets down chest with a grunt) Welp, here’s what I’ve got. CARL These look ancient. SATAN They are ancient. TONY Are those nunchucks? SATAN They are nunchucks. TONY/CARL (Make culturally appropriative asian martial arts noises while messing around with nunchucks) SATAN These were my beginner torture weapons. My father gave them to me when I turned thirteen, but I was always too scared to use them. TONY (Picks up one of the objects cautiously) This one’s just a spiked metal ball. SATAN (Looks dreamily up at the sky) Before he retired, Dad always wanted to play catch with me, but I was never the athletic type. TONY (Accidentally drops spiked metal ball on SATAN’S foot) Oh man, sorry! SATAN It’s okay, it’s okay! It landed where my pinky toe used to be (Looks wistfully out at audience). CARL I guess you could do some damage with this shit. SATAN (Pause) Well, would you like to? CARL and TONY exchange a look, and the lights fade. SATAN and TONY exit SL. “Highway to Hell” plays until they leave but cuts right as CARL reenters. He walks toward center stage and sits on the edge of DSC. CARL (To audience) Okay, that just happened (Pause). Well, here I am again - back in the ole business with my pal Tony. RANDOM GUY (Yelling from audience) Pal?! You treat him like your second banana, Carl! CARL (To RANDOM GUY) What the- how do you know my name? RANDOM GUY Two bananas are better than one, Carl. CARL Okay. Also, sorry for stabbing you. RANDOM GUY Totally cool, Carl. CARL Great. Moving on. (To whole audience) I give him shit, but I really do worry about Tony, ya know? He’s like my brother... like the kind who embarrasses himself about twenty times a day, but you’d never contradict him in front of anyone else, ‘cause he’s your responsibility. If he looks bad, I look bad. (Pauses, looking down and then back up) Like when the boss turned on us. I’ll spare you folks the details, but long story short, Tony choked and couldn’t pull the trigger on boss’s orders, and uh- here we are. (Looks up) So jokes on you, boss! We’re still in the business. And it’s our biggest venue yet: hell!(Looks back at audience) And that’s awesome. If it means not getting tortured every hour of every day, you’re damn right I’ll stab a few people! Besides, it’s fun. Well, you know how it is (Gestures to audience)! That feeling of your blade breaking skin, my oh my there’s nothing like it, right? (Gets a bit too excited about stabbing people, realizes, then pauses) Sorry. I just hope Tony can handle this all over again. This time, he needs to leave the stabbing and shooting to me. (Stands up and gets knife out from back pocket) Welp, I gotta go find some dead perverts and murderers… See ya, guys. Take it easy. CARL exits SR as “Highway to Hell” plays until the music and lights fade. END OF ACT I. Act II: The setting remains the same, but a chair sits center stage with a spotlight on it. CARL enters wearing a white shirt with “Satan’s Assistant” in red letters from SL dragging RANDOM GUY 2 toward the chair. RG2 No, no, no, no! Why are you doing this?! CARL (Gestures around him) Where do you think you are? RG2 I know I’m in hell - I know, I know. But you’re not Satan. CARL Of course not. Can you read? (Points to shirt) I’m Satan’s assistant. His right hand man, if you will. TONY enters from SR, dragging RANDOM GUY toward center stage. He freezes when he sees CARL and RG2. TONY Hey, I was gonna use the torture chair. CARL For him?! (Points to RANDOM GUY) Honestly, I know this is hell, but hasn’t he been through enough? RANDOM GUY (Mouths ‘thank you’ to CARL) RG2 It’s fine! You fellas can use the torture chair! We don’t wanna get in your way. CARL (Tightens grip on RG2) Oh shut up, you. RANDOM GUY (To TONY) So he gets to torture people too? I thought you said you were Satan’s right hand man. CARL (To TONY) What did he just say? (Drops RG2 to the ground before marching over to TONY) You’ve been running ‘round telling people you’re Satan’s main guy? TONY I… I don’t recall. CARL How many people have you been bragging to, Tony? TONY None! I’ve just been doing my job, Carl! I didn’t say any- RANDOM GUY He told me he’s next in line for satanship. CARL Satanship… Satanship! That’s not even a thing! RG2 Uhm, can I go now? CARL (Whips around to glare at RG2) No you fucking can’t! Because I’m gonna strap you down in this fucking chair and torture the shit out of you, because that is my job, and I’m fucking good at it. RG2 (Pause) Kinky. TONY Seriously, Carl. I need the chair. CARL To do what? Sit him down and read him a bedtime story? You’re too soft, Tony. Satan even said so himself? TONY (Frowns) Satan was… talking behind my back? RANDOM GUY I’m sorry man, that’s rough. TONY Well, he said you were bad at using the weapons! (Points haughtily at his own chest) He said I was a natural. CARL Bad at weapons, eh? (Marches over to RG2, pulling laser gun out of his back pocket) RG2 No! NO! CARL (Grabs RG2 by the collar and zaps him with the laser gun) How could anyone be bad at that? RANDOM GUY (Quietly to TONY) Well yeah, when you shoot from like an inch away. CARL I heard that! (Whips around and shoots laser again. It misses RANDOM GUY and hits TONY in the crotch) TONY (In falsetto) For the love of Satan! RANDOM GUY What the hell, man? CARL Fuck! I didn’t mean to do that. I- I meant to shoot you, not Tony. RG2 You totally missed, bro. CARL (Pauses before turning around and shooting RG2 once more) TONY (Groaning) I can’t believe you did that! CARL Shit, Tony, it was an accident. I would never try and hurt you man. (Walks over to TONY and kneels beside him) I’m sorry. I’m fucking sorry, Tony. SATAN enters SR, whistling and dragging along another random guy. He looks up and sees what is going on and pauses. SATAN Oh crap. CARL This is your fault! We should have never helped you be evil. We saw enough evil when we were alive. It’s gone too far now. I hurt my… (Looks at TONY) I hurt my best friend. TONY (Smiles) SATAN (To random guy he was dragging) You can go. The third random guy scurries off SR. There is a long pause in which CARL and TONY are staring at SATAN. SATAN So… how ‘bout those Mets? CARL (Ignoring SATAN, looking back to TONY) Tony. I promise to never let violence get in the way of our friendship. Hurtin’ people’s fun. But the most fun I’ve had is with you by my side. RANDOM GUY / RG2 Awwwww. CARL But I won’t feel alright knowing I hurt you unless… (Hands TONY the laser gun) TONY What are you doing? CARL Zap me in the balls. TONY Carl, are you seri- CARL ZAP me. In. The BALLS. (Starts crudely gesturing to his crotch) TONY Stop, stop! Okay, I’ll do it! (Stands up with a wince) CARL (Takes a deep breath as he distances himself from TONY and opens his arms for an easy target) Hit me with your best shot. RANDOM GUY (Singing) Fire awaaaaay. EVERYONE (Glares at RANDOM GUY) TONY Anyway. For the record, I don’t want to hurt you, Carl. CARL Just do it. TONY Fine. (Aims gun at CARL’S crotch, squinting eyes reluctantly) Three… two… one… GOD (Off stage) WAIT! CARL (Drops gun to his side, turns around to look off SL) EVERYONE Oh my god. GOD enters. He is wearing a white shirt that says ‘I AM GOD’ in green letters with a gold cape flowing behind him. He slowly walks toward CARL and TONY. GOD It seems as though you two have resisted Satan’s evil temptations for the love of thy neighbor. CARL Y-yeah… I guess. And you knew this how? GOD (Pauses, looking down at his shirt and then into the audience, grinning) I am God. CARL Right. SATAN (Walks toward center stage) Yeah, uhm. Why are you here? GOD These two have discovered the true meaning of friendship. SATAN And you’re here to… give them a medal? Or- GOD I’m here to take them to my kingdom. SATAN Oh god. GOD Oh Satan. SATAN But you can’t just keep doing that! (Stomps childishly) They were sentenced to my kingdom. They work for me, and they will for eternity! (Clenches his fists as thunder erupts and “Highway to Hell” starts blaring again) GOD (Snaps his fingers, silencing the thunder and music) I admire your newfound feistiness, Stanley. But I can do whatever I want. TONY Because he’s God. CARL (Long pause) I’m sorry. Did you just call him Stanley? GOD Ah, did he not tell you? Stanley is his full name. CARL (Snorts with laughter) So what does that make you like... Goddard? GOD No, sir. (Smiles at audience) I am God. So come along with me, you two. We must get you fitted for wings. CARL/TONY (Exchanging a look) Okay! GOD starts to exit SL, followed by TONY, then CARL, who slyly sticks the laser gun back in his pocket. As they exit, “I Believe I Can Fly” begins to play. Once they are gone, the music cuts off. SATAN (To RANDOM GUY and RG2) So you guys want jobs? RANDOM GUY and RG2 exchange a look. Fluffy makes a loud, indiscernible noise off stage. Blackout. END OF PLAY.
