This article was published on the website for The Skidmo’ daily, Skidmore College’s only intentionally satirical newspaper.
Admit it. If you are interested in men, you have probably gone through a “bad boy” phase. The leather jackets, the cigarette smoke, the low GPA—irresistible. But is it possible to take your love of bad boys to a whole new level? For those who get high off dating someone their parents would not approve of, there comes a danger of taking it too far. Here are 5 signs that you’re not taking interest in “bad boys” but boys that are just bad at things.
1. He is more likely to fall off a motorcycle than cruise around with you wrapped around him.
When you first heard he had a bike, your panties immediately dropped, but every time he tries to take you for a spin, he can’t even get himself on the bike. After a few weeks, you realize he has never successfully ridden his motorcycle. Still, you wake up in his bed every morning.
2. He always has a pack of cigarettes on him but can never smoke them correctly.
Does the guy you’re into have burns all over his face? Were you concerned at first, wondering if someone else had done that to him? Then you see him pull out a cigarette for the first time, and you secretly find it really sexy, but then he spends the next five minutes dabbing his flesh with the burning end of a cigarette. Somehow, his wounds excite you, so you race him to the bedroom.
3. He is failing his classes, but not because he’s too cool to try.
When you first met, he said he wasn’t doing too well in school. At first, you thought he might be a rebel, choosing to skip class to go shoplifting and loitering at the mall. Soon he cancels plans with you; you subconsciously want him more now that he’s grown distant, but it turns out he is cancelling plans because he needs to study or go to his professor’s’ office hours. When grades come out at the end of the semester, he cries for two straight hours. You comfort him with a sensual back rub.
4. He doesn’t think sports are fascist; he’s just too uncoordinated to play them.
You’ve dated guys in the past who have shamed athletes for participating in such a fascist pastime. When your guy discloses that he’s not the sporty type, you think he might be the same way. But when you decide to have a catch just for fun, you realize that he is just terribly unathletic. When you throw the ball, he catches it with his face, giving him an incredibly arousing black eye.
5. He always tries to put the condom on inside out.
He has no problem getting you into bed with him; you’re clearly a sucker for his incompetence. But anytime he tries to put on a condom, he attempts to put it on the wrong way… every goddamn time. He has Googled how to put on a condom several times. He has watched countless YouTube tutorials, but every time—without fail—he fucks up. But the resulting delay only makes you hornier, even if he orgasms in under one minute every time you have sex.
Can you relate to these five signs? If so, be careful. The next thing you know, you could find yourself kneeling before the toilet, sick from a “romantic” dinner he tried to cook you. You could embark on a road trip together then end up unconscious in an alley alone in nothing but a Mets jersey. You might even start liking Coldplay.
It can happen to anyone, trust me.
