This article was published on the website for The Skidmo’ Daily, Skidmore College’s only intentionally satirical newspaper.
Like any college, Skidmore takes pride in its ability to foster an active, inclusive community through student-run clubs. And when I say inclusive, I surely don’t mean The Sonneteers, because they sure had no problem excluding me despite my breathtaking rendition of “What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes, but I digress.
What keeps these organizations going is the recruitment of first-year students. Every year, in order to gain new members, club leaders set up a train of tables decorated with candy, posters, and stickers. Even though they go on to regret all the email lists they put themselves on, the freshmen are known to have a pretty good time.
We heard one freshman exclaim, “Humans versus Zombies? Uhm, yes please!” Another one shouted, “Joining The Skidmo’ Daily sounds like an incredible way to meet new and interesting peers!” Overall, the vibe was generally positive.
One freshman, however, was less than pleased with the fair, claiming it was not what he expected.
“The other week, I went to my town’s local fair,” said Eric Nelson, a first-year living in McLellan. “They had a bunch of rides—a tilt-a-whirl, those spinning swings, a big fucking slide…” Nelson went on to name roughly thirty more fair rides before we had to cut him off. “Anyway, I heard about this Club Fair, and I’m like ‘Hell, I could definitely swing forty feet off the ground right about now.’ I even pre-gamed in my dorm with some buddies of mine, only to come down to the green and see not one single swing ride.”
Nelson reported that there was one decent ride. He described a contraption in which you lie down and swing back and forth between two trees. The freshman remembered the ride “breaking down” with him on it, calling it “incredibly unsafe but the thrill of a lifetime.”
We spoke with witness Will Reynolds, an angry upperclassman who said, “Some freshman broke my fucking hammock.”
Eric Nelson—if you are reading this—Will has asked The Skidmo’ Daily to relay his wish for a new hammock. As for the rest of the Skidmore community, we have been asked to give the following notice to current and prospective students:
The Skidmore College Club Fair is designed to promote the college’s diverse sub-communities. In order to recruit new members, clubs will decorate tables at which new students can ask questions and sign up for email lists. At no point will there be fair rides, such as swings, tilt-a-whirls, or big slides. Also hammocks are not rides. We apologize for any confusion.
