This article was published in the October 18, 2016 issue of The Skidmo’ Daily, Skidmore College’s only intentionally satirical newspaper.
Everyday I hear about how Skidmore College is a safe space. To be objective, this statement is often true. For example, I have only been hit by a Human versus Zombies nerf gun the one time. But after a traumatizing, near-death experience at Burgess Café, I have started questioning whether or not Skidmore really wants to see me flourish.
The past few weeks have yielded heavy workloads for many students; no doubt Burgess was poppin’ on a Monday morning. I arrived for my caffeine fix, as I do each morning before class. Jason Derulo was on the radio. Everything was great! This time, when the green-hatted worker smiled and asked what he could get for me, I asked for a chai tea latte with soy milk. I was content with my decision. I was not content, however, with the events that followed.
I was busy avoiding the gaze of an old Tinder match, so I couldn’t see the behind-the-scenes sequence of foul play, but I do have a hunch regarding who tried to kill me. The cashier was way too cheery, oozing with excitement that only comes from the impending murder of a customer. You could tell this wasn’t his first rodeo.
Another worker set a cup on the counter, yelling out “Chai tea latte for… Lizert?” Assuming my new identity as Lizert, I grabbed it and made my way toward the door. Before crossing the threshold, I took a sip, then I stopped dead in my tracks.
As Jason Derulo broke into the final chorus of “Whatcha Say,” time seemed to move in slow motion. I turned to the side and spit out my drink, toxic latte spewing in the face of my Tinder match. The cup fell from my hands before smashing against the tiled floor, causing liquid to splatter all over the shoes of innocent bystanders. Had I not tasted the poison before swallowing the murderous beverage, I would have fallen against the floor along with my cup. But I can always tell when they forget the soy milk.
