This article was published in the November 14, 2016 issue of The Skidmo’ Daily, Skidmore College’s only intentionally satirical newspaper.
On November 7 at 4 PM, SGA sent out the official email revealing this year’s Junior Ring theme, which is, to many people’s excitement, Harry Potter. Some students have expressed less giddiness than others, as some find Harry Potter overly hyped and downright obnoxious and not worth the bad dreams after seeing Goblet of Fire. But I digress.
On the other hand, heaps of boys and girls have grown up reading the series through countless times and catching the movies on their release dates at midnight. Executive Vice President Luca Mobilia raves. “I noticed Harry Potter wore glasses, so when The Sorcerer’s Stone came out, I ordered 10 pairs of glasses from Lenscrafters. I have 20/20 vision.”
The most excited about Junior Ring seems to be the Quidditch team. Team member Ben Ginsberg reveals “A lot of us are pretty hype for Junior Ring, ‘cause it’s gonna get everyone all horny for Hogwarts. A lot of us are thinking it might be the night.” Upon asking Ginsberg what he meant by the night, he replied with a stuttering “Well- uh, I mean a lot of us haven’t been so lucky with… yeah.”
In an anonymous survey, it was revealed that 83% of the Quidditch team has not gotten laid at Skidmore. This statistic is whopping compared to the percentages in other sports teams. For example, only 10% of the crew team can’t get any, while 0% of the men’s lacrosse team are sexual embarrassments like the Quidditch team. Low percentages are most likely to do with (and this is just speculation here) the fact that their sports are not based off of literature of the fantasy genre.
In hopes of determining the likelihood of Quidditch players getting lucky at Junior Ring, we administered an online survey to the entire student population. It had two questions: 1) Are you a member of the Skidmore Quidditch team, and 2) Does having Harry Potter as the Junior Ring theme make Quidditch players more sexually appealing? The questions were also accompanied by a few action shots from Quidditch games.
The survey yielded no significant difference in sexual attraction, suggesting that even a night spent celebrating Harry Potter in a crowded room of hot, swaying bodies cannot get a Quidditch player laid.
