This article was published in the December 12, 2016 issue of The Skidmo’ Daily, Skidmore College’s only intentionally satirical newspaper.
You’ve heard of Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, or maybe you’ve just heard of Christmas, which makes you kind of a dick. But whether you plan on decorating a tree or spinning a dreidel this winter, you may want to think about how others are celebrating their respective religions. Here at Skidmore, the atheist population wants us to think antisemitism isn’t a thing, but a few students have brought it to our attention that they feel unsafe. In an attempt to acknowledge the diverse ways in which her students celebrate the holidays, Professor Gallagher wrote “Have a happy holiday!” as the last assignment on her syllabus. Lou C. Furr, an English major (with a concentration of poetry), shared his ill feelings toward Gallagher’s sentiment.
“It enraged me,” he said, sporting a pentagram T-shirt and carrying a large, red pitchfork. “How dare she order me to have a happy holiday.” When we asked Lou if he hoped to have a particularly unhappy holiday, he nodded. “Joy offends me.” Before we could ask further questions, Lou disappeared in a fiery explosion, accompanied by a piercing crack of thunder and echoing evil laughter.
The latest we have seen or heard from the super-senior was an email to SGA:
Dear SGA, I am outraged by the lack of tolerance this college has for Satanism. The expectation to enjoy the holidays is an example of intolerance and also peer pressure. I demand a SGA-sponsored event in honor of the great and powerful Satan – perhaps a hell-themed dance at Falstaff’s. Band, no DJ. If my commands are not met, I will burn Skidmore College to the ground and litter it with demons who will skin the survivors alive. I expect you will do the right thing.
Love,
Lou C. Furr
