Actual Alien Outraged After Not Getting Laid at Spectrum

This article was published in the November 14, 2016 issue of The Skidmo’ Daily, Skidmore College’s only intentionally satirical newspaper. 

This past weekend, students of all class years and sexualities packed into Falstaff ’s for Spectrum, the first of two annual events hosted by Pride at Skidmore. Given a theme for each dance, students find a way to follow the dress code while showing off their best assets in hopes of getting some action. This year’s theme was space. Many students had trouble figuring out what clothing would make them look like a slutty space creature, while others gave up and just wore lingerie with glitter splashed across their chest. “Yeah, aliens aren’t really sexy,” says Kristina, a sophomore who reportedly wore a lace thong and tape over her nipples. This statement was offensive to others, specifically actual alien Zeebtron Smith, a transfer student. The following interview was translated from the native language of Planet Pheeznop: “I didn’t transfer here for the party scene. We all know it’s shit,” Zeebtron says, wearing a Skidmore crewneck over his slimy, green skin. “But then I heard Spectrum was space themed, and I thought, hey, maybe this is my chance to have fun and fit in.” Upon the alien student’s arrival at Falstaff ’s, other students reportedly spared him no glance. “They were all grinding and making out on the dance floor and at the bar and on the couches. At first, I thought it was disgusting, but then I had a thought. Could tonight be the night I actually get some action?” Zeebtron thought being an actual alien at a space-themed event would give him a leg up on the competition. By the end of the night, however, he would gain no support for this hypothesis. “I totally don’t discriminate based on

The following interview was translated from the native language of Planet Pheeznop: “I didn’t transfer here for the party scene. We all know it’s shit,” Zeebtron says, wearing a Skidmore crewneck over his slimy, green skin. “But then I heard Spectrum was space themed, and I thought, hey, maybe this is my chance to have fun and fit in.” Upon the alien student’s arrival at Falstaff ’s, other students reportedly spared him no glance. “They were all grinding and making out on the dance floor and at the bar and on the couches. At first, I thought it was disgusting, but then I had a thought. Could tonight be the night I actually get some action?” Zeebtron thought being an actual alien at a space-themed event would give him a leg up on the competition. By the end of the night, however, he would gain no support for this hypothesis. “I totally don’t discriminate based on

“I didn’t transfer here for the party scene. We all know it’s shit,” Zeebtron says, wearing a Skidmore crewneck over his slimy, green skin. “But then I heard Spectrum was space themed, and I thought, hey, maybe this is my chance to have fun and fit in.” Upon the alien student’s arrival at Falstaff ’s, other students reportedly spared him no glance. “They were all grinding and making out on the dance floor and at the bar and on the couches. At first, I thought it was disgusting, but then I had a thought. Could tonight be the night I actually get some action?” Zeebtron thought being an actual alien at a space-themed event would give him a leg up on the competition. By the end of the night, however, he would gain no support for this hypothesis. “I totally don’t discriminate based on

“I totally don’t discriminate based on planet of origin,” says Jared, a bisexual freshman. “Zeeb’s just not that hot.” Angela, a junior, says “Yeah, I’ve been with way cuter aliens than Zeebtron Smith.”

Regardless of the reason, Zeebtron was outraged that he did not get laid at Spectrum. “It’s bogus, man,” the alien says, stomping his tentacle on the ground in disdain. “I’m sick of feeling like an outsider here. People from my home planet think I’m a cool guy. Am I not sexy on earth? Honestly, I don’t even wanna talk about it anymore.” We tried to ask Zeebtron further questions, but he refused to answer, claiming he “just needs some space.”